Every Monday, we will write about the importance of “connection” in our lives and how we can establish and keep connections.

Many of the books that I have been reading on parenting discuss the importance of “connection.” Connection is found in many differerent forms and can be different for different people. But for everyone (children and adults), I think, connections with family and friends are important to feeling like life is going well.

Lawrence Cohen, in “Playful Parenting” writes of the importance of connecting with your child.  He likens a child connecting, losing connection and then needing to re-connect to the metaphor of filling and refilling a cup. Sometimes the child’s cup is pouring over and sometimes it is almost empty and needing to be refilled. 

This metaphor helped me to understand the situation this weekend with my son.  I had decided to take a trip to visit my sister and her two twin girls.  This was actually an important trip for me and a way that I was trying to stay connected with my sister and her family. It’s an annual trip for early Christmas shopping and silliness.  I had a great time and definitely filled my cup this weekend.  

However, my son had a really difficult time with my leaving.  He usually takes my trips in stride and has always been fine when I leave.  This time however he was not happy that I was leaving.  He cried and told me he would just miss me too much and to please not go.  He called right before I boarded the plane and was very upset.  This was very difficult for me.

I kept thinking how surprised I was by his reaction.  I told my sister that it surprised me the most because it seemed that we had actually been “butting heads” a little bit lately.  I had been feeling like he wasn’t doing a good job of listening lately and we seemed to go ’round and ’round on this.  So, initially, I felt surprised that he might not want me gone for a few days to have a more carefree time with Daddy.  

I finally realized that it was exactly because we had been going ’round and ’round lately that he was having such distress with me leaving.  He was not feeling connected to me — he needed his cup refilled and my leaving was only causing the cup to become more empty.  

I should have recognized this before I left and given extra kisses or assurances or worked on the connection before time for me to leave.  Of course, I was busy planning the trip and working and likely missed a  few chances to connect that week.  

However, I am ever grateful for my husband who that morning, before Kei went to school, drew a picture of Mommy and Daddy and wrote “Mom and Dad love Keilan”.  He told Keilan to put it in his pocket and if he felt sad at all to take it out of his pocket and read it.  And he did.  He asked my husband after school if he felt it when he “kissed the paper today at school ?”  Of course, he said he did.  The rest of the weekend Keilan would kiss the paper when he was missing me and called me to tell me he was sending me kisses.  This really seemed to “fill his cup” and remind him he was loved.

Usually it doesn’t take much — a hug, an extra book at night, or even a picture worth 1000 kisses.   It’s not important how you re-establish the connection, only that you do.  I know his cup will run low again at times, but Daddy and I will always be there to fill it up!

Posted under Connecting, Happiness Project